Talk:Abduction
Done for now. ...pretty-smelling and nicd-looking flowers she saw... Your introduction paragraph is fine, gives me a cursory glance at the location. here are a few typos. Also, something can't smell "pretty". ...made her feel alive, dangerous, POWERFUL. Avoid all caps, imo, it's a bit unprofessional. Just my opinion, however. Than again, she wasn't any closer to evading them, was she. That period should be a question mark. She flicked a knife from her satchel-a recent acquisition from a Steltian trader in a tavern-and flung it blindly behind her. She heard a grunt and the spattering of blood onto the forest floor. She smiled. She had struck her target, hopefully in the neck. She slid under a low branch, throwing another knife seconds later. The ''thunk of metal on wood was all she needed to know she'd missed. There was barely any light, so she couldn't see a thing. That wasn't helping one bit. She was SURE that her chasers could see in the dark. If not she would have got away by now.'' She sighed, flicked another knife up and... BANG! She was on the forest floor, a poppy bruise swelling up inside her kanohi. She felt the area of the bruise. A hairline crack ran down her forehead, ending just above her eye. She, she, she. Switch up the pronouns! The Psionics Toa and Toa of Psionics are some really common, easy substitutions. "I'm going to need a new Faxon." She muttered. Within seconds, she was up and running once more, but her pursuers were gaining. Hitting her head on a low tree branch wasn't what she had had in mind in terms of an escape. Nice, a quick narrative interjection for a bit of comic relief. I do that very often. Her Faxon was broken now, so she'd lost a powerful asset in finding her way. It would be hard to do anything by means of escape now. This, sir, is a Meyer comma. A 100% useless comma that Stephanie Meyer likes to use in Twilight. These are very often when writing and can just as easily be fixed by re-reading your sentences or saying them aloud. She hadn't lasted a minute without her Faxon. She had fallen in a trap, like some idiotic Muaka Bull. Muaka or Kane-Ra Bull? XD The darkness seemed to be alive, teeming with shadows. '' Good description here, but you missed the 's'. ''She smiled back at the darkness. And she let it swallow her. Great personification of the shadows! ---- Now how can that be done? she thought to herself. I find dialogue to be very important. It should be casual, something you'd say in everyday life, not that pompous stuff you find in action movies. Read Tayluu's line out loud. It sounds awkward in real life, right? This is an opinion of mine, so it's highlighted in purple. She surveyed her surroundings. She was in a prison cell... Two guards stood outside a door, which was-unluckily for her-not mechanical. More description, good. the "unluckily..." can be surrounding in commas, not dashes. "I am One Hundred Percent mentally... No need for capitals. "I am a Marjosean... THANK YOU for explaining your species. Never, NEVER, have your reader go to a page to look up what it is. Your story show tell, never show. Excellent job here. "Suddenly I really want to snap your neck." ...barrelled rifle from his back and caressed it lovingly Barreled. ---- 'Talk | Stories | ''Bionicle: CCG '''